Greetings from the Starlight Parade!

I have lived in Portland for almost twenty years, and I have never seen a parade during the Rose Festival. Growing up, my mother was never one for huge social events and proclaiming ones love for her city (don't get me wrong, there was love to be had, but we were very subtle about it) so she never took me to see one. We went to the Waterfront every other year or so, but that was more aimed toward my love of carnival food and cheap thrill rides (I mean cheap in the trashy way). Conor has marched in the parade a few times when he was in high school, so that was something of interest for him. He really schooled me on formation and how to tell if a school has a lot of money based on marching band size and clothing being worn. As usual, I was distracted by crazy lights and children with multi-colored lightsabers, so I forgot many of the main points Conor stated during his lecture. I should really have taken notes. Highlights include the Last Regiment of Syncopated Drummers (they all wear black and sunglasses at night!) and the Starlight run where runners wear various costumes. I don't know where this tradition comes from, but you bet I'll be signed up next year as a box of mac n cheese. Why not?

Very thin ice!

"Surely, you jest, I'm under cardiac arrest!"

Items I bought while I was moderately drunk and momentarily believed in magic: The Diva Cup

Look, tampons are really, really expensive. A friend of mine, who will not be named, convinced me to make this purchase based on several (at what the time seemed) very convincing factors as to why I should make the switch from sticking cotton up my vag, to using a safe plastic cup to retain my monthly vaginal secretions. I was leery of this since I had always known one way of dealing with my flow each month and had really not taken the time to educate myself on alternatives. Yes, I'll admit, I was swayed by magic. According to the instructions;

"The DivaCup™ is very sanitary, comfortable, reliable and convenient. It holds one full ounce (30 ml). Since the entire cycle is an average of 3-4 ounces (90-120 ml), most women find that the cup is not even half full after 12 hours. The vagina is continually self-cleansing, washing away dead cells and bacteria. Tampons absorb the natural fluids that we need to keep the vagina clean and moist. The DivaCup™ is non-absorbent and simply collects the menstrual flow, leaving the natural moisture level in the vagina undisturbed. Depending on your flow empty the cup 2-3 times per 24 hour day, wash and reinsert. It can be worn up to 12 hours, even overnight. The DivaCup™ is ideal for all activities including swimming, camping, backpacking, and travelling. It is suitable for all menstruating women of all ages."

MAGIC!!! So I bought it. Yes, I'd had a few beers prior to purchase. Yes, the lovely little carrying sack was a nice purple color and I'm like a crow who spots shiny things and must have them when I see the color purple. I'm not going to go into very many details regarding its use (which ended up to be at most, during three of my cycles), I'll just say that I laugh too hard, too often and being in a public, engaged in a social activity when your DivaCup™ "pops out" gets old after a while. Yep. You heard me. Needless to say, I'm back to good ol' cotton. Sigh.

Listen up guys. Steve is not gay, ok?

Dude. Epic fail? He plays a keyboard on the wall and there are a few bad ass mustache closeups. This video is made of win.

Wow

I don't even know how to describe how awesome this is. Rick Astley himself Rick Rolls the entire Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Wow.

It tastes a little different!

During my trip to New York, I made a quick stop in at McSorley's Old Ale House. Perhaps the single greatest novelty of McSorley's is that it has served one beverage in its 150 year history; ale. When you order, you basically ask for "light" or "dark" and whatever you get, comes with two glasses. Order double and you get four glasses, pretty sweet eh? I had no idea this was the deal when I went in so imagine my surprise when I ask for dark and get two glasses of ale. I thought I was getting a good deal! McSorley's has a wood floor with sawdust all over it. I immediately suspected this had to be due to the large amount of vomiting that occurred there - then I smelled what I swear was vomit and my suspicions were confirmed. Maybe it just has to due with the fact that this place is so incredibly old and hasn't been changed at all. Just use the bathrooms.

Great idea

Eventually, I plan to stop hiding from all of these messes and learn to cope correctly. Everything is so surreal. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if I'm still alive. I can't imagine myself after June. I can't imagine much at all. Maybe if I stop eating dairy, I'll start feeling refreshed and happy again. I can't handle the way my body feels these days. I don't want to go to work anymore. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to watch cooking programs. All day. I think the cat is the only one who understands.

I am Cobra Commander

I've been exhausted lately. There seems to be no time in the schedule for "doing nothing." I just want a weekend where I'm not required to be social or plan some event/aspect of my wedding.

I'M GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH! No big deal.

I have this planner that I carry around with me. Normally, I wouldn't commit such a crime, but since I went back to school, I thought it would have its use. Now I just feel like my days are crowded with too many activities and my stress level is abnormal. It sort of reminds me why I hate having a cell phone, you lose sight of any kind of privacy and people can get a hold of you just that easier.

Meh. I could REALLY use a break.

Keyboard cat

I just can't handle this.

This I can promise

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.

But I can promise all my heart’s devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that's ever true and ever growing;
A steady hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.

A love that’s ever true and ever growing;
A steady hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.

Copyright © Winfield Clark 1991-2008

Top five things that annoy me

1) Being stuck behind people walking slow.

2) People who interrupt my sentence to complete it, but say the wrong thing.

3) People who wear too much perfume.

4) Bad-mannered, arrogant and rude people.

5) Owls.

Don't just stand there

I'm happy that this exists.

Happy Mother's Day!

The passenger

Most of the time, I find that it happens when I'm in the car. First, I notice my heart beat start to accelerate, then my chest drops into my stomach and I instinctively clutch my belly as if to hold in all of my internal organs in case they shoot out of my body. The headache comes next, slowly but surely. I can feel it in my entire face, spreading and pulsing until I'm hot and sweaty and it hurts to swallow. My hands are clammy. My eyes and ears are alert, waiting. Then the thoughts come.

Its around this point that I begin to remember a story my mother told me when I was 15 about when she used to be the editor for the local newspaper in the town I grew up in.

There was a fatal car accident involving four teens who were drunk after a school event. I can't remember the exact details of the accident but the driver lost control of the vehicle and slammed into a telephone pole. Everyone in the car died instantly. My mother went to the scene of the accident and arrived shortly before bodies were removed from the vehicle. She said it was so bad that nothing could be salvaged, something about there only being eyeballs left.

Maybe this was imagined in my 15 year old mind, perhaps it was a factual detail. Perhaps my mother sensationalized the story. Perhaps. I think she told me this story to discourage me from riding/driving in a car drunk. I didn't actually need encouragement at the time, but nonetheless, the story did its job, I was scarred by its telling and have been extremely sensitive about car accidents ever since. I can't even look at footage of them without cringing. I become extremely uncomfortable at the mere thought of them. It is the worst possible way I can think of dying.

My hands are clammy. My eyes and ears are alert, waiting. Thoughts.

I glance over at him, the one I trust the most, driving, looking ahead on the freeway, ocassionally drifting in and out of different topics while I half listen, half practice that meditative breathing thing my counselor recommended. Its not working (it never does) so I start the routine trio of glancing to the spedometer, then to freeway ahead, then to him driving.

Eyeballs. Telephone pole. Slamming. My hands grip knees. My heart beating like a hammer.

Everything is a blur as I squeeze my eyes shut and talk myself down. I'm so used to it by now that I might as well give up and ride the wave. I always do. I can't win.

I was scarred by its telling.

This movie exists

Ray Milland plays an aging, grumpy, physically disabled millionaire who invites his family to his island estate for his birthday celebration. Sam Elliot plays a free-lance photographer who is doing a pollution layout for an ecology magazine. Jason Crokett (Milland) hates nature, poisoning anything that crawls on his property. On the night of his birthday the frogs and other members of nature begin to pay Milland back.

I caught the tail end of this 1972 horror film with Sam Elliot while channel surfing the other day. I don't even have the words to express. I wish my timing had been better because I definitely do NOT have a problem watching a bunch of frogs devour an elderly male.

Facts about animals I only remember when I'm drunk

A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in relation to its size.

There is... a long wait... so long that I... eat brevil.

This is fucking fantastic.

My heart keeps beating like a hammer

I have recently discovered that riding a bike while listening to my iPod is pretty much the best thing ever. Then I got to work and ate some cheesecake and realized I made up my mind about what things are the best too soon. Oops.

Birthdays are fun!

I spent my 28th birthday at the beach. Some close friends of mine secured a beach house in Arch Cape for the weekend and we all went to relax and take it all in. I enjoyed my time there very much and did all the things I had planned to. Board games, margaritas, walking on the beach with no shoes, chasing my dog around so he didn't pee somewhere secret, eat brownies, ect.
On our second night, Jesika and I made macaroni and cheese for dinner and boy was it a win. It was so good that I got a really bad stomach ache in the middle of the night from all the cheese and milk. My stomach is not really friends with dairy, but it was my birthday and Jesus discovered cheese so, it was worth it to feel icky for a little while. On the day we left, Conor and I drove with some friends to the Tillamook Cheese Factory, which was nice because I really liked the idea of getting some cheeses that I know they only sell at the factory, like garlic chili pepper cheddar. Nom nom nom. Conor hadn't been to the factory since he was a kid and its been like 7 years for me. The only thing I regret is not getting a picture behind the farmer and cow cutout that they still have in the lobby. But, we did eat a lot of cheese and ice cream, which of course is really the entire point.

Items I bought while I was moderately drunk and momentarily believed in magic: Smooth Away

Oh man. This product does not work. Believe me. Have you ever deliberately rubbed sandpaper across your skin? Well, imagine doing that, except with really, really weak sandpaper. Like, sandpaper that needs to be thrown away, but you haven't yet because you got too distracted listening to Hall & Oates records. Look, if you really feel that your life is so busy that you don't have enough time to shower and shave your body hair off the conventional way via razor, then I think its time to loosen up your schedule. I really wanted to believe in Smooth Away. For a moment, when I was gleefully opening the package and had been purposefully putting off shaving my legs in anticipation for SOME REAL SERIOUS MAGIC, I hadn't even for one moment thought that it could be a) disasterous and painful and b) a complete waste of fucking time. The moral of this story is that I really have to stop buying things that are only advertised on tv and also, I have to stop having a child-like sense of wonder.