Enough!

I'm so exhausted.

Five minutes after I got on the bus today, I fell asleep. This never happens. When I got home, I fed the pets and promptly took a nap. This has been ongoing for about three weeks. Sleeping. A lot. When I wake up, I devour everything in the house. Including entire cartons of OJ.

I don't know. You tell me.

Shalom

I should probably fill some people in. I got a preschool teaching position at Portland Jewish Academy. I will be working with the three year olds. We celebrate Shabbat every Friday. It involves grape juice masquerading as wine. C'mon. I'm ecstatic. Three year olds.

I like can I touch

Times are hard.

I suspect that when this all passes, I will be smarter, stronger and have a greater tolerance for alcohol consumption. My life is a "Hang in there baby" poster. Yup.

Heat wave blues

I lied when I told my friend I wouldn't be sitting at home in a "mope fest." So far it's true. I took a cold shower and layed down in the dark for a while. It's hot and my face is wet from the tears and the sweat.

I didn't get the job. No big deal right?

I agree. I shouldn't take it personally. It seems that everyone in the state of Oregon is looking for a job right now, it's all just par for the course.

But. I'M QUALIFIED.

I've been running down the checklist in my head, trying to figure out what it is. Why I'm not getting any bites. Is it my age? Should I be disclosing my age in interviews because employers think I'm a lot younger than I am? Is it the way I interview? Do I smell bad? Do I always have something in my teeth? GAH.

I used to take getting a job for granted. It was really easy for me. I would turn in my resume and usually get a call back the same week. I would listen to my friends complain about not hearing back about anything or getting rejected. I would put a hand on their shoulder and buy them a drink and secretly pat myself on the back for being so lucky and awesome and employed. Now I'm that friend and all of my employed friends are probably thinking the same thing. They should. They should enjoy it while it lasts.

I don't sleep much anymore because there is always a job to apply for. There is always a job site I haven't perused all the way through. Craigslist used to be my friend and then it stopped posting jobs everyday and I thought we had something. Now it never returns my phone calls.

I go in and out of sleep, dreaming of showing up nude to job interviews while everyone stares horrified at me and I just stand there and go "what?" Rachael Ray cooks "Wurst Burgers" and I watch WALL-E on the movie channel for the 30th time. I'm getting tired of the Baskin Robin's "ice cream cake" commercial, but I still laugh every time because laughing feels good and dancing robots let me briefly forget that I can't pay my rent for August.

I know all of this will pass. I know things are meant to be and that I have to get through this challenge in order for the good stuff to happen.

I know that there is a pot of gold at the end of that top ramen rainbow. I have to believe that.

Oh for crying out loud!

I'm annoyed. This woman whom I sent a resume to teach in her preschool, sent me a list of survey questions to answer before she offered an interview. She just wrote back and thanked me for my "interesting answers, but due to the great number of more qualified candidates I am going to have to wish you the very best as you search for a better match for your skills & talent." Excuse me, but what does my "favorite food" and "last costume worn for halloween" have to do with my skills and talent? I HAVE A FABULOUS RESUME LADY, its too bad you won't get the pleasure to speak in person with me!

Gah. PEOPLE.

You not cookin'!

Your hand in mine

This chair is comfortable but it sure is hard to get out of!

First comes marriage, then comes the camping trip. As a couple, we decided that we needed to work on our outdoors skills, primarily in the camping realm. Since we started dating, we've been on a total of four camping trips (including this one) and each time we've discovered a few things that needed tweaking. Each time we've learned a lesson about some aspect of our experience (more of this, less of that, or warmer clothing is a MUST) and vowed to do better next time. This time, we were three camping trips smarter and decided to go at it for two nights at Timothy Lake. Neither of us had been there before but it seemed to be a nice idea since it was a good distance from Portland that felt like we were "in the middle of nowhere" but close enough for us not to get sick of riding in a vehicle for too long together (give us a break, we're both only children). We decided to scope up two campgrounds: Hoodview and Gone Creek, both were about a mile apart on the same route and on the lake. Gone Creek was nice but there were a lot of RV's which signified elderly people to me, so I instructed Conor to go to Hoodview. That one was nicer for me and had more open spots. All of the lakeside spots were taken so we opted for one further back from the lake, but closer to the road. Once we unpacked, we enjoyed ourselves by the campfire and commenced to the eating of camp food (hot dogs an hamburgers, because that's what you do) and "enjoyed being away from it all."

As with every camping trip, there is something to be learned, and this is the latest on our list of things that will thus be improved:

1) We hate being away from home. One night is enough. We've always known this detail yet are somehow in denial and every single time we leave on vacation, we try to ignore this and always remind each other that we hate being away from home and become homesick. STICK TO THE OVERNIGHT RULE!

2) You can never have enough blankets.

3) Pretend it is always Winter wherever you go because apparently its cold even in the summer.

4) You can never have enough ice.

5) Always pick the most secluded spot. OR, opt for the campground that is walk-in or pack-in/pack-out. Camping near other people results in loss of privacy and overhearing people's random discussions about arbitrary shit that you could really go your whole life without hearing.

On our last night of the trip, Conor got really sick and we left at about 6am to get home so Conor could barf in the privacy of our own home. We're not sure why he got so sick, it could be a multitude of things, maybe even swine flu, WHO KNOWS. I just know that I'm one more camping trip smarter and we still have leftover snacks from our trip to keep me happy until the weekend.

Mission accomplished

The Wind

The Wumpus

I was having a bad day but this made my day un-bad.

Facts about animals I only remember when I'm drunk

Animals that lay eggs don’t have bellybuttons.

Fucking lemons!

I can hear them talking about industry all the way from here!

Bob Saget!

This guy is for real. I hope to meet him one day.

Greetings from the Starlight Parade!

I have lived in Portland for almost twenty years, and I have never seen a parade during the Rose Festival. Growing up, my mother was never one for huge social events and proclaiming ones love for her city (don't get me wrong, there was love to be had, but we were very subtle about it) so she never took me to see one. We went to the Waterfront every other year or so, but that was more aimed toward my love of carnival food and cheap thrill rides (I mean cheap in the trashy way). Conor has marched in the parade a few times when he was in high school, so that was something of interest for him. He really schooled me on formation and how to tell if a school has a lot of money based on marching band size and clothing being worn. As usual, I was distracted by crazy lights and children with multi-colored lightsabers, so I forgot many of the main points Conor stated during his lecture. I should really have taken notes. Highlights include the Last Regiment of Syncopated Drummers (they all wear black and sunglasses at night!) and the Starlight run where runners wear various costumes. I don't know where this tradition comes from, but you bet I'll be signed up next year as a box of mac n cheese. Why not?

Very thin ice!

"Surely, you jest, I'm under cardiac arrest!"

Items I bought while I was moderately drunk and momentarily believed in magic: The Diva Cup

Look, tampons are really, really expensive. A friend of mine, who will not be named, convinced me to make this purchase based on several (at what the time seemed) very convincing factors as to why I should make the switch from sticking cotton up my vag, to using a safe plastic cup to retain my monthly vaginal secretions. I was leery of this since I had always known one way of dealing with my flow each month and had really not taken the time to educate myself on alternatives. Yes, I'll admit, I was swayed by magic. According to the instructions;

"The DivaCup™ is very sanitary, comfortable, reliable and convenient. It holds one full ounce (30 ml). Since the entire cycle is an average of 3-4 ounces (90-120 ml), most women find that the cup is not even half full after 12 hours. The vagina is continually self-cleansing, washing away dead cells and bacteria. Tampons absorb the natural fluids that we need to keep the vagina clean and moist. The DivaCup™ is non-absorbent and simply collects the menstrual flow, leaving the natural moisture level in the vagina undisturbed. Depending on your flow empty the cup 2-3 times per 24 hour day, wash and reinsert. It can be worn up to 12 hours, even overnight. The DivaCup™ is ideal for all activities including swimming, camping, backpacking, and travelling. It is suitable for all menstruating women of all ages."

MAGIC!!! So I bought it. Yes, I'd had a few beers prior to purchase. Yes, the lovely little carrying sack was a nice purple color and I'm like a crow who spots shiny things and must have them when I see the color purple. I'm not going to go into very many details regarding its use (which ended up to be at most, during three of my cycles), I'll just say that I laugh too hard, too often and being in a public, engaged in a social activity when your DivaCup™ "pops out" gets old after a while. Yep. You heard me. Needless to say, I'm back to good ol' cotton. Sigh.

Listen up guys. Steve is not gay, ok?

Dude. Epic fail? He plays a keyboard on the wall and there are a few bad ass mustache closeups. This video is made of win.

Wow

I don't even know how to describe how awesome this is. Rick Astley himself Rick Rolls the entire Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Wow.

It tastes a little different!

During my trip to New York, I made a quick stop in at McSorley's Old Ale House. Perhaps the single greatest novelty of McSorley's is that it has served one beverage in its 150 year history; ale. When you order, you basically ask for "light" or "dark" and whatever you get, comes with two glasses. Order double and you get four glasses, pretty sweet eh? I had no idea this was the deal when I went in so imagine my surprise when I ask for dark and get two glasses of ale. I thought I was getting a good deal! McSorley's has a wood floor with sawdust all over it. I immediately suspected this had to be due to the large amount of vomiting that occurred there - then I smelled what I swear was vomit and my suspicions were confirmed. Maybe it just has to due with the fact that this place is so incredibly old and hasn't been changed at all. Just use the bathrooms.

Great idea

Eventually, I plan to stop hiding from all of these messes and learn to cope correctly. Everything is so surreal. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if I'm still alive. I can't imagine myself after June. I can't imagine much at all. Maybe if I stop eating dairy, I'll start feeling refreshed and happy again. I can't handle the way my body feels these days. I don't want to go to work anymore. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to watch cooking programs. All day. I think the cat is the only one who understands.

I am Cobra Commander

I've been exhausted lately. There seems to be no time in the schedule for "doing nothing." I just want a weekend where I'm not required to be social or plan some event/aspect of my wedding.

I'M GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH! No big deal.

I have this planner that I carry around with me. Normally, I wouldn't commit such a crime, but since I went back to school, I thought it would have its use. Now I just feel like my days are crowded with too many activities and my stress level is abnormal. It sort of reminds me why I hate having a cell phone, you lose sight of any kind of privacy and people can get a hold of you just that easier.

Meh. I could REALLY use a break.

Keyboard cat

I just can't handle this.

This I can promise

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.

But I can promise all my heart’s devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that's ever true and ever growing;
A steady hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.

A love that’s ever true and ever growing;
A steady hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.

Copyright © Winfield Clark 1991-2008

Top five things that annoy me

1) Being stuck behind people walking slow.

2) People who interrupt my sentence to complete it, but say the wrong thing.

3) People who wear too much perfume.

4) Bad-mannered, arrogant and rude people.

5) Owls.

Don't just stand there

I'm happy that this exists.

Happy Mother's Day!

The passenger

Most of the time, I find that it happens when I'm in the car. First, I notice my heart beat start to accelerate, then my chest drops into my stomach and I instinctively clutch my belly as if to hold in all of my internal organs in case they shoot out of my body. The headache comes next, slowly but surely. I can feel it in my entire face, spreading and pulsing until I'm hot and sweaty and it hurts to swallow. My hands are clammy. My eyes and ears are alert, waiting. Then the thoughts come.

Its around this point that I begin to remember a story my mother told me when I was 15 about when she used to be the editor for the local newspaper in the town I grew up in.

There was a fatal car accident involving four teens who were drunk after a school event. I can't remember the exact details of the accident but the driver lost control of the vehicle and slammed into a telephone pole. Everyone in the car died instantly. My mother went to the scene of the accident and arrived shortly before bodies were removed from the vehicle. She said it was so bad that nothing could be salvaged, something about there only being eyeballs left.

Maybe this was imagined in my 15 year old mind, perhaps it was a factual detail. Perhaps my mother sensationalized the story. Perhaps. I think she told me this story to discourage me from riding/driving in a car drunk. I didn't actually need encouragement at the time, but nonetheless, the story did its job, I was scarred by its telling and have been extremely sensitive about car accidents ever since. I can't even look at footage of them without cringing. I become extremely uncomfortable at the mere thought of them. It is the worst possible way I can think of dying.

My hands are clammy. My eyes and ears are alert, waiting. Thoughts.

I glance over at him, the one I trust the most, driving, looking ahead on the freeway, ocassionally drifting in and out of different topics while I half listen, half practice that meditative breathing thing my counselor recommended. Its not working (it never does) so I start the routine trio of glancing to the spedometer, then to freeway ahead, then to him driving.

Eyeballs. Telephone pole. Slamming. My hands grip knees. My heart beating like a hammer.

Everything is a blur as I squeeze my eyes shut and talk myself down. I'm so used to it by now that I might as well give up and ride the wave. I always do. I can't win.

I was scarred by its telling.

This movie exists

Ray Milland plays an aging, grumpy, physically disabled millionaire who invites his family to his island estate for his birthday celebration. Sam Elliot plays a free-lance photographer who is doing a pollution layout for an ecology magazine. Jason Crokett (Milland) hates nature, poisoning anything that crawls on his property. On the night of his birthday the frogs and other members of nature begin to pay Milland back.

I caught the tail end of this 1972 horror film with Sam Elliot while channel surfing the other day. I don't even have the words to express. I wish my timing had been better because I definitely do NOT have a problem watching a bunch of frogs devour an elderly male.

Facts about animals I only remember when I'm drunk

A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in relation to its size.

There is... a long wait... so long that I... eat brevil.

This is fucking fantastic.

My heart keeps beating like a hammer

I have recently discovered that riding a bike while listening to my iPod is pretty much the best thing ever. Then I got to work and ate some cheesecake and realized I made up my mind about what things are the best too soon. Oops.

Birthdays are fun!

I spent my 28th birthday at the beach. Some close friends of mine secured a beach house in Arch Cape for the weekend and we all went to relax and take it all in. I enjoyed my time there very much and did all the things I had planned to. Board games, margaritas, walking on the beach with no shoes, chasing my dog around so he didn't pee somewhere secret, eat brownies, ect.
On our second night, Jesika and I made macaroni and cheese for dinner and boy was it a win. It was so good that I got a really bad stomach ache in the middle of the night from all the cheese and milk. My stomach is not really friends with dairy, but it was my birthday and Jesus discovered cheese so, it was worth it to feel icky for a little while. On the day we left, Conor and I drove with some friends to the Tillamook Cheese Factory, which was nice because I really liked the idea of getting some cheeses that I know they only sell at the factory, like garlic chili pepper cheddar. Nom nom nom. Conor hadn't been to the factory since he was a kid and its been like 7 years for me. The only thing I regret is not getting a picture behind the farmer and cow cutout that they still have in the lobby. But, we did eat a lot of cheese and ice cream, which of course is really the entire point.

Items I bought while I was moderately drunk and momentarily believed in magic: Smooth Away

Oh man. This product does not work. Believe me. Have you ever deliberately rubbed sandpaper across your skin? Well, imagine doing that, except with really, really weak sandpaper. Like, sandpaper that needs to be thrown away, but you haven't yet because you got too distracted listening to Hall & Oates records. Look, if you really feel that your life is so busy that you don't have enough time to shower and shave your body hair off the conventional way via razor, then I think its time to loosen up your schedule. I really wanted to believe in Smooth Away. For a moment, when I was gleefully opening the package and had been purposefully putting off shaving my legs in anticipation for SOME REAL SERIOUS MAGIC, I hadn't even for one moment thought that it could be a) disasterous and painful and b) a complete waste of fucking time. The moral of this story is that I really have to stop buying things that are only advertised on tv and also, I have to stop having a child-like sense of wonder.

RIP Bea Arthur

Betty White is still alive. My life isn't over yet.

Facts about animals I only remember when I'm drunk

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

I thought is pepper