The more you try to erase me

My mental health deceives me at times. Am I really thinking outside the normal range of thought, or am I just giving myself a hard time?

I don't know who I am anymore. One minute, I have this specific kind of life where I make specific kinds of choices and have specific kinds of opinions. This all seems to fall apart in the end, as lately, I say one thing and do another.

I'm frustrated as hell. There are so many things I could do with my life that would require me just getting off my ass and doing it. There are things I know I shouldn't be doing, but I do, only because I love that feeling of rebellion.

My life is not as difficult as I make it out to be. Really, I have the same kinds of problems as the next person. Its just a matter of how I'm going to deal with them, and how I'm going to decide to react.

My life is just. That is how I would put it. I'm trying to be "just" in a lot of ways. I don't know how I'm getting from one point to another, I just know I'm doing it and I can't complain about it. I'm doing things just. I'm just, just. I can't figure out where all of this was inside of me, before. I just don't know.

And a lot of things have happened in the last sort of while. Some bad things happened. And I'm not happy about them, but they were... just. A lot of good things happened and I'm the better for it.

Sometimes when I wonder why things keep happening a certain way, or why I'm just not getting it about a particular something, I just make a pact to myself that its "just" and I can handle it for now and maybe later, maybe I'll mind-fuck around with it.

You see, I'm not having it anymore. I'm not going to let myself go under. I'm trying really hard to push on. To make whatever it is that is lousy, better. I'm living half of my life in this dream-state. Where I go "camping" a lot (its random, I'll tell you about that later). Where I go to the Dog Park, wearing the uniform of the depressed: sweatpants and a raincoat.

I'm just not at all sure what I am anymore. The old someone is leaving and the new someone won't stop smiling at me *like that*

Like. That.

I'm not so sure I can handle this with the net that's supporting me. The net is starting to get smaller, but its all enveloping, its warm, its rooted.

Well into the ground.